Of course everybody knows my good friend, the scam pimp and terrorist PR flack Don Winner. Never a swindle he didn’t like, never a lie he wouldn’t publish. A true example of the scum and outcast that washes up the shores of Panama, I always believed. I mean, even at the US embassy – hardly a hotbed of civilization – they don’t want him near them.
He has put most of his website now behind a paywall, and that doesn’t seem to be working so well, in terms of money. We think it’s a fiasco, actually. Why? Because he’s now reduced to begging to barter things – never a good sign. He doesn’t even have funds to rent a holiday home for upcoming carnival:
“I’m looking for something to do with my family for this coming Carnival weekend in Panama. We thought we had some plans but they fell through at the last minute, so now I’m exploring other options, but time is relatively short. Here’s my proposal: If you have a vacation rental, hotel, house, apartment, or some other property somewhere by the beach, I will give you four months of advertising on the www.panama-guide.com website in exchange for three nights stay over this coming Carnival weekend. Your property could be located practically anywhere in Panama. We will consider anything near the Pacific beaches close to Panama City (Coronado, Chame, Gorgona, Playa Blanca, Decameron Villa, San Carlos, etc.), Isla Grande or elsewhere on the “upper coast” of the province of Colon, on the water in Chiriqui, Bocas del Toro, etc.”
In other words: Please give me something for free, anywhere!
Well Don, don’t you worry about a thing, because your loyal Bananama Republic editor is here to help out! I know, we’ve had our differences in the past. But I also know that deep down you are a loving and caring person who wants the best for humanity, and not the mentally challenged evil little punk most of the thinking world believes you to be. So why not forget the past with a nice gesture for you and your family?
As you yourself reported recently, I had a reservation at one of the state-owned holiday facilities. However, I changed my mind. I won’t be using it. But it would be just friggin perfect for you!
How about these features: Park-like setting, surrounded by tropical jungle with spectacular wildlife. Views of the Canal, that marvel of engineering that has put Panama on the map as the heart of the universe. You’re guaranteed to meet all kinds of interesting people, and it’s just a stone-throw away from one of the most famous rivers in Panama, subject of many famous songs, with historical sites abound along the crystal-clear water. You can stay as long as you like. The longer the better, actually. Best of all: I don’t want anything in return! In fact, I’d throw in another month for you and your family to stay at my holiday timeshare if you only promise never to advertise me or my website again. Is that cool or what? Way better than that Malibu swindle of your arms trafficking buddies, what? Get in on the ground floor!
I know you are all excited now and thinking, “boy, am I getting a great bargain out of that Bananama Republic guy”, so let me give you directions. Just go there and report yourself at the gate. I’ll tell them you’re coming.
Simply take the road along the Canal and follow it past Clayton and through Paraiso. Keep going, past the golf course. Just after you go through the little tunnel under the railroad, turn left. You are now on Avenida Omar Torrijos, on your way to Gamboa. Keep going, and it is just about 300 yards before the rickety bridge across the Chagres, on the left of the road. Have fun!