A clear female case of mental problems walks half naked down the street in El Cangrejo. What do you do if you're Panama's sleaziest wannabe reporter with an IQ of two digits and moral standards somewhere way below the levels of La Critica? No, you don't offer to help, or try to do something; you take out your video camera and shoot some softcore fetisj porn featuring the mentally ill!

Then, you judge this shaky footage - tip: wanking and filming doesn't go very well together - newsworthy and post it on your website to generate traffic from other perverts getting off on naked mental patients shitting in front of a hotel.

All that just goes to prove of course that, where it comes to suffering from mental disorders, the drooling Don Winner is fierce competition for the poor derailed woman he abused.

No, we're not going to post the video here. We're not into that sort of thing. If you really want to see it you figure it out yourself.

Ah! News about the McTrump franchise, you know, that condo project that was all sold out but then needed a capital injection through a bond issue about which little is known. Now it turns out that some kangaroo court in our splendid republic has saved the McTrump illusion from another major setback: The Design Is NOT, we repeat, NOT stolen from the famous Burj Al-Arab hotel in Dubai. Just look at the two pictures: Where would anyone get such an idea? Aren't these two buildings TOTALLY different? Okay, both are shaped after a sail. It looks like one and the same sail. But who says they really are the same sails? Two oceanfront buildings both designed after sails and both in real estate boom locations - this is OBVIOUSLY just a coincidence, no? Anyway, who do these Arabs think they are, accusing a respectable Bananama real estate developer of ripping their design under the leased banner of Donald Trump, we ask you?

The kangaroo court has also ruled that the Arabs can't and shouldn't and won't be allowed to publish anything alleging that McTrump Club (the left pic) is just a pirated copy, a fake Vuitton bag, a cheap, ugly and plump made-in-China rip-off of the elegant Dubai original. So we won't say that either because we deeply respect Bananama's kangaroo courts and our long standing tradition of copyright theft. And the thing will probably never be finished anyway.

Cable & Wireless a/k/a Cable & Useless a/k/a Cable & Shameless, you know, that rogue bunch of shady telecom pirates who stole INTEL from the Panamanian people to screw everybody with higher prices and lousy service and inventing the 40 second minute - these people are now snooping on your email and even censoring it!

Where's the proof, you ask. Here's the proof. Eric Jackson of The Panama News has maintained for ages a newslist, people who like to receive updates by email whenever a new issue of the online paper sees the light. Has never been a problem, always worked fine, until today. When Jackson sent out an update this morning, the subscribers who use Cable & Brainless as their provider never received it because, says Cable & Gutless, the "message content is not acceptable here". Of course they hide behind some sort of anti-spam firewall bullshit filter, which is just another tool for internet censorship, because the message obviously wasn't spam but a mailing to subscribers. Here's what came back from Cable & Clueless:

This is the Spam Firewall at antispam.cwpanama.net.

I'm sorry to inform you that the message below could not be delivered.
When delivery was attempted, the following error was returned.

: host 201.225.225.165[201.225.225.165] said: 579 message content is not acceptable here (in reply to end of DATA command) Final-Recipient: rfc822; xx@cwpanama.net Action: failed Status: 5.0.0 Diagnostic-Code: X-Spam-Firewall; host 201.225.225.165 [201.225.225.165] said: 579 message content is not acceptable here (in reply to end of DATA command) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: "Eric Jackson" To: "The Panama News email list" Date: Tue, 6 May 2008 11:51:30 -0500 Subject: most of the culture section and all of the Spanish opinions are up See http://www.thepanamanews.com/pn/v_14/issue_09/culture_01.html et seq and http://www.thepanamanews.com/pn/v_14/issue_09/opiniones_01.html et seq (Still have the gallery guide to do in the culture section)

Spam? A newspaper update? Are you serious? Does this happen to the mass mailings to subscribers of La Prensa as well? We bet you it doesn't. The robber barons of Cable & Shameless are just blatantly snooping on email content and censoring delivery of those messages they deem "unacceptable". Will they start doing the same with your cellphone and drop calls or text messages with content they declare "not acceptable"? We wouldn't be surprised. After all, it wouldn be the first time they get caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

You can say about Panama's education authorities what you want, but not that they're not fair in distributing the general misery equally among students. Every effort is being made to ensure that the few schools in the interior of our country that are actually open will be closed too, if only temporarily.

Take for example the José María Roy school in David, Chiriqui. Students were enjoying uninterrupted classes for months now - a situation that, given the fact that other schools in the province are still closed because of contamination or decay, could in all fairness not last. So our ever-vigilant police force just teargassed the fuckers! That resulted in lots of sick and vomiting pupils, and the school had to be closed as the poisonous gasses wafted through the hallways. Justice has been done. Equality for all!

For those tourists and business travelers lucky enough to arrive after 6 PM at our well-organized international airport where everybody is friendly and speaks English, our innovative authorities have a special attraction to further enhance the Bananama experience.

Say, you get here and rent a car. After having gone through endless security checks, passport control, X-ray machines and what not at the various airports, you get to be received by a welcome committee of our National Police! Between the airport and the highway to town this institution, headed by a wannabe Kojak whose only experience vaguely related to police work is that he knows everything about drawing a line of coke, sets up a checkpoint every single night to check your drivers license. Or maybe that other genius in our government, tourism minister Ruben Blades whose only experience in tourism is having been a tourist, thought this one up? Whichever it is, with some luck, you get to wait about 20 minutes before being greeted by one of those fearless police officers or - with even more luck - shaken down for a bribe. Isn't this just awesome? You were already tired of traveling, now you can get even more tired because of Bananama's proverbial hospitality. Panama, it will never leave you!

Bobo Bosco, here with a couple of
show dancers

Don Bosco Vallarino, who doesn't know him. The Panamanian low-end version of Saturday night horror Don "un aplauso por favor" Francisco. When he isn't dabbling in Telemetro entertainment he's selling real estate and perfumes on some Panamanian TelSell channel. And, he thinks, that is exactly the type of qualifications needed for a mayor of Panama City. He signed up for the Pizzafista party, and now he's about to launch his campaign.

But!

He has sold himself out already BEFORE being elected! Only in Panama will you find one candidate campaigning for the other. Listen to the radio spot above; a promo for Miguel Antonio Bernal, who is currently the front runner in the race for city hall. That is the voice of same Bosco Vallarino!

It gets even better when you listen to the text:

Whom will you trust? Someone who launches himself into a political campaign just months before the elections with promises, or someone who has all his life been an example, always on the right side of the issues, on the side of liberty, who has had the courage to defend your rights, without you having to ask and without asking for anything in return?

Seems like a clear case to us. Unless you think that selling jewelry on TelSell is "defending your rights" of course.

Offshore scammer
Marc Boswell
a/k/a Rex Freeman

There is a standard procedure for crooks on the lam being confronted with arrest warrants and other documents placing them in an unfavorable light: Just deny it. Claim that it's a fake. This is what noni swindler Tom McMurrain did and this is what offshore hustler Marc Boswell does. Both were being supported in these efforts by scam promoter Don Winner. McMurrain ended up being hauled off to jail, and there's no doubt the same faith awaits Boswell/Freeman - and eventually Don Winner, because you can't just go around stealing, threatening people, abusing Panama's legal system and promoting all sorts of scams without eventually being held accountable. Not even in Bananama.

Meanwhile, what if?

What if a small group of financial service providers in Panama - not the flimflam bullshitters who advertise on Don Winner's website but reputable ones - had decided that it is time for Mr. Boswell and Mr. Winner to leave (for the greener pastures of a Costa Rican jail) and stop tainting Panama's financial sector with their shenanigans? What if they put together some money to make that happen? Wouldn't that be interesting?

In other words, Rex, are you ready to enter Costa Rica again "through the front door"?

Bananama Republic, which only started publishing just over six weeks ago, is now number two in the list of Top 5 English Panama Blogs published by the prestigious Panama Travel News:

The satirical, controversial favorite, this site prides itself on taboo subjects, edgy opinions and great writing. Plus, it is the best name for a website. Ever.

We'd like to thank the expert jury of Panama Travel News for its confidence in the editorial team behind Bananama Republic and the honor bestowed upon us. Naturally, we'd also like to thank our readership which continues to double itself almost every week - and that for a website that is so new that it has no pagerank yet from the Google search engine.

Thanks to all, and keep coming back!

Scam O'Rama Muppets:
Don Winner a/k/a Donnie Wanker (left)
and Marc Boswell a/k/a Rex Freeman (right)
Oh, and in the background: All Clinton's
work, according to Freeman/Boswell

Time for some good old fashioned wild west fun. Remember Ian Calvert Bleasdale? No? Child sex rapist on the run. Turned up as sales director of mega noni swindle in Panama which Don Winner of course defended. Story here. Also wanted for fraud in Costa Rica and that's what did him in. A couple of his victims just a sort of nabbed him in Panama and handed him over to the police and he was swiftly thrown over the border into the Costa Rican slammer, where he belonged. The end? No. Well, for him, yes, but now we have a similar case. Scam artist on the lam. Buys residency despite criminal convictions. Trouble in Costa Rica where he continued to scam before moving to a welcoming Panama. Becomes Don Winner's drinking buddy and financial columnist. Well, not for long, sucker! Because there is an Arrest Warrant! Panama doesn't want to enforce its laws? No problemo! It's only a matter of time before his victims hunt him down and throw him in a van headed for Costa Rica. Yes we can! Bye, Rex! We would appreciate a tip though when it goes down, for the pics. Oh, and Don Winner? We think that one more case like this and he's toast too. You can't just run a full-fledged pimp-a-scam and expect there won't be repercussions. Bye, Don!

Blah blah! There's a buzz in the air around Panama... yada yada... downtown glamour... booming economy.... puke, Sandra Snyder... glittering skyscrapers... money laundering haven ...a natural candidate and the next best market for the outstanding service, insider knowledge and exclusive access that Quintessentially can provide. Quintessentially Panama will launch with a tropical party – the first of its kind – in early 2008.

The party was yesterday, sponsored by the McTrump condo flippers club. Quintessentially is a sort of Club Union for foreign yuppies and snobs with too much money and not enough brains to know what to do with it.

Read more

Torrijos postponed a decision about what to do about public transport. Torrijos says his government stole all the money doesn't have any money to improve the bus system. Torrijos shits his pants for the group of road terrorists who own the buses and will kill for money. The united passengers are angry about it. La Prensa basically calls him a moron.

They're right, of course, but what did they expect from a man who is too much of a coward to investigate the death of his own father?

Is Hugo Chavez a Saint? Certainly not. Does he make mistakes? We guess so. Is he subject of smear by right wing zealots who applauded the coup against him? You bet. Are these the same zealots who say they support "democracy" and "press freedom"? Yep, IAPA for example. Aren't they having their annual meeting in Caracas? Yep. Doesn't that a sort of prove that there is, errrr, freedom in Venezuela? Yes, but try to explain that to these idiots.

Back to Chavez. Is he a loudmouthed opponent of US and Colombian policies? Gosh, you noticed! Did he lose a referendum after a string of election victories? Indeed. Is there anything worse than Chavez? Yes: Whining money laundering oligarchs like Eisenmann who attack him with fake facts because they see their sleazy business interests threatened by someone who actually does know how to exploit the natural resources of his country for the benefit of all.