Satan unimpressed by attempts to oust him from schools

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Alcibíades Vásquez Velásquez

Attempts by Panamanian legislator Alcibíades Vásquez Velásquez, of the governing Panameñista party, to expel the Devil from private and public schools by prohibiting the celebration of Halloween were received with laughter and disdain by the Highest Authority of Hell.

"If that third world prick thinks he can stop me from entertaining thousands of children and winning them over to the dark side, he's out of his mind", Satan told Bananama Republic during an exclusive interview.

Satan further alleged that, "I've made an arrangement with these Panameñista people long ago; I get their souls and they would get to govern with Martinelli and have their stupidest member made mayor of Panama City".

"This little legisladron punk better not try to weasel out of our deal now", added Satan, visibly annoyed.

Alcibíades Vásquez Velásquez is trying to convince minister of education Lucy Molinar - a member of the shadowy Opus Dei sect - to decree a ban on Halloween in Panama's schools.

"It is a national shame that in this country there are celebrations in our schools with teachers supporting children painting themselves as devils and strange things, while they don't even know what these Anglo-Saxon parties mean", the legislator told the National Assembly.

Satan, smiling, replied, "this guy doesn't have a clue.... If he thinks Halloween is bad, he apparently hasn't noticed what I've done to Christmas, with all the commerce and cheap China-made products. Or did he think that Bosco the Clown thought of these Villas Navideñas last year all by himself? Muhahahaha!"

The proposal of the government legislator doesn't seem to attract a majority in the Assembly, but lots of disbelief and mocking outside of it. Yes, dear reader, we live in a country where legislators know of nothing better to do.

UPDATE! After attempting to ban Satan from schools, other religious fundamentalist christian retards officials are now trying to outlaw zombies from Casco Viejo! The zombie walk, an annual event organized by Rob Rivera that has become a Panamanian institution, is under threat by local authorities who say they will ARREST every zombie who dares set foot near them. Read all about it here.

3 thoughts on “Satan unimpressed by attempts to oust him from schools

  1. LOL I’m starting to resemble this to that machete movie, except the mexicans are the zombies and the San Felipe City Hall is Al Pacino.

    Also, what’s the point in banning the Zombie Walk? Retired old ppl are walking around in the streets since earlier this week. Isn’t that the same thing?

  2. Well, although probably not for the same reason as our esteemed legislador, I totally agree that we should eradicate Halloween. Like kids needs another reason to eat excessive amounts of sugary snacks…. It has taken over europe like another American cancer. As if stupid TV was not enough now we have these senseless celebrations. Yeah Yeah, I know where Halloween comes from, but geez, trust the Americans to commercialize THAT.
    On another note, little children with devil’s masks…has he been to Carnival lately? oh wait, wasn’t that on someone’s agenda? cancel carnival LOL On our dead, painted, evil masked bodies!

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