(Image: the watermelon riots, Panama, as depicted by Americans)
Those silly expats! Remember the Pacific coast gringos and their vigilante groups against crime? Right, the crazy potbellied Hawaiian shirt militia types that would keep the beach colonies safe from brown skinned Panamanians looking to steal their garden furniture.
So now they hold regular meetings where retired law enforcement types further fuel the paranoia of their gringo expat flock. Recently they had one at Loco’s Backyard Grill. Two former cops (they call themselves “law enforcement experts”), Perry McMullin and Jim Rizik (the latter dabbles in the wonderful world of online pharmacies as well), explained that there are constant threats, EVERYWHERE!
Read the story on the Playa Community website under the most moronic headline ever, “Take A Stand Against Safety” (see update below):
Awareness is the best form of defense in assuring safety in all situations. “Whenever I’m out shopping I see gringos oblivious to what’s going on around them,” Perry said. “They seem to be walking around in a bubble.” He went on to describe a scene where a couple comes out of El Rey walking through the parking lot followed by a cart boy pushing their groceries. The couple is chatting away totally oblivious to everything around them. The groceries are put into their car and after tipping the boy they jump into the car and take off.
Never once did they look around the see if they were being followed, or if the car had been broken into, tampered with or a tire slashed. A common trick for criminals is to put a knife through a tire then follow the driver down the road and when the car pulls over, the thief offers to help. Once the thieves have them alone they steal their valuables, beat them, take their car and leave them stranded on the side of the road.
Imagine! How irresponsible of people to just walk and chat when coming out of a supermarket when they should plan this stuff like a military operation from the minute they leave the gated compound to when the gates lock behind them again! No wonder you hear so many stories about how people have been robbed like this, like, at least 20 cases every week! Here’s how the braindead knucklehead expat fake cops law enforcement experts would like you to go about your shopping:
Wherever we go Perry suggests that we need to watch each other’s back. One person could escort the cart boy to the car while the other person stays back to assess the situation from afar. Once the person near the car is sure that no tampering has been done, he signals to the other person to come. Then they both get into the car, lock the doors and drive off safely making sure that no one is following them.
Of course you’ll die young from a heart attack because of the stress caused by the anxiety of making it home safely from those high-risk shopping trips, but hey, at least you still have those twenty bucks in your wallet!
Also: Don’t ever help your fellow Panamanians the enemy when they are in trouble! Get away as fast as you can, it might be a terrorist trap!
Another trick is for a criminal is to approach a vehicle in an isolated area and tap on the side of the car indicating to the driver that their tire is flat. If this ever happens don’t stop just keep driving to a well-lit area where it’s safe to stop and investigate the situation.
You know, dear reader, the only thieves we see here are these fake “law enforcement experts”, these complete frauds, these sufferers from some paranoid mental disorder, who try to rob you from your peace of mind, your peaceful co-existence with your local neighbors and your general sense of safety, so you’ll buy into their racist power games and of course Don Winner’s stun guns.
On the other hand, if you’re dumb enough to fall for this crap you deserve it, all of it, and that includes the robberies and the Panamanian response to your racist bullshit.
UPDATE 19/4/2013: The Playa Community website changed the headline of their story to “Taking A Stand Against Crime”, without explanation or even a thank you to us, for pointing out how idiotic it was to have a story headlined, “taking a stand against safety” (the URL still shows the old headline though). Well, you’re welcome, Hawaiian shirt brigadiers!
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