Bananama Republic

Don Winner warps time and space

Tomorrow, Monday May 7th, is a national day of deep mourning in Panama because some former dictatorship puppet president finally stopped breathing. Jorge Illueca died, and now we have to be obligatory sad about it and we can’t drink all day or be arrested and tortured, Noriega style.

We skipped most of the obituaries – the Bananama Republic Newsroom will be serving champagne all day to show how much we care about dead dictatorship dinosaurs – but were fascinated to see the notorious scam pimp and arms dealer PR flack Don Winner offer his own history lesson:

Illueca briefly served as the president of Panama for a few months, from 13 February until 11 October 1984, after Ricardo de la Espriella resigned under pressure from the military goons, due to threats made against his family because he wasn’t playing the role of the perfect puppet. Illueca stepped up to replace him from his Vice President’s position. To his credit, he pretty much got out of politics shortly after Omar Torrijos died and Manuel Noriega took over.

Huh, what, say that again? Got the medication mixed up a bit there, Winner?

In 1984, when Ricardo de la Espriella (a corrupt asshole who stole tons of money from Panama’s social security) was forced to resign, Noriega was already firmly in power. Torrijos had died three years earlier, in 1981. Illueca was already vice-president and succeeded de la Espriella, and stayed on throughout the blatantly fraudulent elections staged by Noriega which saw one “Fraudito” Barletta coming out as Panama’s next president.

In other words: The highest position he ever held in politics was during the Noriega era. After Torrijos’s death, he climbed the political ladder instead of “getting pretty much out of politics”.

So why is Don Winner making shit up then? Because, as regular readers here know, he always does that. As soon as he writes something himself instead of translating other people’s articles he gets it all wrong. Always. This actually works to his advantage, because his audience likes it that way. These are mostly extremely stupid people who came to Panama because they think it’s easier here to live in some parallel batshit crazy racist universe where scamming and murdering are respected as birthrights, and for them Don Winner is their fearless leader, the village guru. That’s how they roll.

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Okke Ornstein

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Comments

9 responses to “Don Winner warps time and space”

  1. Del Avatar
    Del

    I was working my way through your reprint of Winner’s history lesson and felt an odd cramp within my neural network..like a religious scholar going back to the gospels and discovering a previously overlooked parable concerning chocolate eggs and rabbits.. WTF?

    Thank you for both correcting Mr.Winner AND allowing me to quickly return to this time-space continuum in the process ; a single paragraph of his nonsense can prove a dark weapon indeed.

    Surely this veneration of dead presidents is not without precedent, but when it is done with virtually unknown substitutes, or characters that were unanimously despised, often it is at this moment when the population smells the rat and sees the protocol as something self serving to the current administrators and as utterly contrived.(I suspect this mental process last about two milliseconds for most..and a little longer for a few others 😉

    When Reagan died, members of both sides could hardly object to the pomp and ceremony that was due the man. Love him or hate him, clearly he left a footprint, though one not nearly as big as the GOP created thereafter without any real objection from the Dems..

    So this business of pomp and ceremony concerning deceased former heads of state..might it be spreading a little thin these days? And if so, might it be due to the fact that historically, it’s been applied a little too thick?

    Reply
  2. jc Avatar
    jc

    And then there was the President of 6 days the recently deceased Bernardino González Ruíz…

    Reply
  3. Faustino Avatar
    Faustino

    While on a return visit to Panama I shuffled into the local ex-pat haunt in David (The balcony overlooking Plaza Cervantes) While chatting with a few crusty old gringos at the bar the conversation inevitably turned to Martinelli. But the old boys didn’t have much direct knowledge of him or his insanity. Then one of them commented that all that he needs to know about Panama he gets from Don Winner’s comments and analysis. I snickered at his sarcasm. But when no one laughed back I realized he was serious! Grave nods followed from his amigos like a line of those bobbing headed dogs on car dashboards. Up until that moment I hadn’t really believe that anyone took Winner seriously. I assumed people enjoyed his Google translated articles and schoolboy tits ´n ass photos. But his comments are always so far off base that surely they could only be a odd form of attention-seeking behaviour. How wrong I was. Apparently a large swath of the Gringos in David take his word as gospel. Truly frightening. He seems to be something of a Fox News type phenomenon: “Fair to the Unbalanced”.

    Martinelli is increasingly embracing his Italian heritage. Inspired by the works of Carlo Collodi he has developed an interest in puppets. Illueca was a fine fellow who reminded him of Collodi´s most famous character, Pinocchio. Misunderstood but well intentioned Illueca deserved a National Burial.

    Recent events with the National Police have left Martinelli feeling even closer to Pinoccho. Marta, his loving wife, always said he could spin a good tale and was quite a fibber too. His kids always liked his Pinocchio nose.

    Puppetry is on the rise in Panama, it is only appropriate that puppets have national holidays also.

    Reply
  4. Two things Avatar
    Two things

    1) Panamanians love a national holiday…so any excuse.

    2) Americans are not generally renowned for their knowledge of international affairs nor for their desire to know anything about anything that doesn’t have to do with their own country. So when the crusty gringos quote Don Winner, there’s no surprise there…not the wisest people in the world.

    Reply
  5. jc Avatar
    jc

    The majority of Gringos read the Wanker because they are too lazy and uncommitted to learn Spanish beyond ordering a beer.

    They preach when in “Rome do as the Romans” but they never apply it.

    They come to the small towns and the first thing to come is the spay & neuter clinics, then the english newspaper and they all hang out together and brag about how cheap something was because the majority are here because they are cheap!

    Further kindling the fire are the tourist visa real estate agents, waiters etc.

    Reply
    1. the Editor Avatar
      the Editor

      People do not just get the governments, but also the media they deserve. These groupies should just go ahead and “invest” their money in PTQ stock or Malibu Beach property in Gorgona, in Pronto Cash debit cards and Mark Boswell HYIP deals or any of the other scams that Don Winner promotes.

      But indeed, most of the Wanker community is too cheap to put their money where their mouth is and thus it becomes all just babble of people with no actual skin in the game – like Winner himself. And they’re too busy drinking anyway.

      Reply
  6. Eazy Avatar
    Eazy

    A while back I stumbled upon a wealthy US citizen, who supposedly was in Panama to collect his cedula. In two weeks he would return to collect his passport and the papers for his wife and two children.
    I don’t remember the exact course of the discussion, but when I mentioned the name Martinelli he looked at me and asked:”Martinelli, who is that?”
    I agree, there is little incentive to know anything about this grocer, but not knowing the name of the president of the country which passport you carry should be embarrassing to say the least. Not so in this case. He just didn’t give a sh*t.
    These over conservative, right wing ignorants have no respect, interest or consideration for any other nation than the US. That’s why they feel they can invade, disrespect and misinform pretty much as they please.
    If you have ever seen Fox news, you know Don is not alone. It is not his fault. He just doesn’t know anything else.
    How ignorant and stupid does a country have to be, when you can make it swallow the “911 story” for example.
    People like Don Winner are the very reason I feel offended whenever someone thinks I’m an American.

    Reply
  7. Eric Jackson Avatar
    Eric Jackson

    The highest political office that Illueca ever held was as president of the 38th United Nations General Assembly, in 1983. His important roles in the opposition to the 1947 Filos-Hines Treaty and the negotiation of the 1977 Panama Canal Treaties, and his principled participation in the “no” campaign during the 2006 canal expansion referendum were the high points of his participation in public affairs. His presidency was an embarrassment.

    Reply
  8. jc Avatar
    jc

    At least we got a day off and only the alcaldía permitted clandestine cantinas were open

    Reply

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