Panama's president Ricardo Martinelli is making headlines with an initiative to press for criminal charges in Costa Rica against online publication El País. According to Martinelli and Jimmy "los groceros somos más" Papadimitriu, the digital newspaper is threatening the security of the Canal by reporting that the Israelis are in charge of its security.
However, Martinelli's legal spree goes much further, Bananama Republic has learned. The beleaguered narco-president is also plotting legal action against American political heavyweights like Pat Buchanan and Bill Clinton.
"Both Buchanan and Clinton have stated that communist China controls the Canal, and this is a clear threat to the security of the waterway", a government source said. He spoke with Bananama Republic on condition of anonymity as he was not authorized to discuss the issue.
Conservative former presidential candidate Pat Buchanan was interviewed on Chris Matthews show "Hardball" on the communist China issue:
"PAT BUCHANAN: "[Y]ou've got Chinese Communists down there in Panama in the canal zone."
CHRIS MATTHEWS: "What are they doing?"
PAT BUCHANAN: "[T]hey got the Hutchinson Whampoa at both ends of the canal. These companies are controlled by Communist Chinese. They're gonna be building the railroad down there. And look, it seemed to me that might be in America's vital interest more than, say, Bosnia."
The reference to Bosnia - with muslims fighting at the time - clearly endangers the Canal's safety, said the government source.
Similarly, then-president Bill Clinton told journalists in 2000 that the "Chinese would be running the Canal", and didn't even have a problem with it:
I think the Chinese will, in fact, be bending over backwards to make sure that they run it in a competent and able and fair manner.... I would be very surprised if any adverse consequences flowed from the Chinese running the canal.
"We plan to pursue criminal charges against anyone who says anything other than that Panamanians are running the Canal", the government official told Bananama Republic. "The president has made it very clear he won't tolerate dissenting views from anyone, irrespective if they're based in fact or not".
"Besides, all these testosterone-driven legal threats and stuff make Martinelli look strong", the source added.
(This story is a spoof. None of it is true. But you never know)