Hunter Schultz Goes To Washington

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There is a place on the web where cool and weird people who have something to do with Panama hang out, a Yahoo group called Panama CEW. It's where you're not being subjected to retarded moderators and stuff like that and where you meet people who are interested in more than just exchanging recipes alone. Among the regulars we have socialists, gun freaks and everything in between. There's even a village idiot. It's a sort of like the local pub, sometimes you don't go for a while, then you drop by every evening, always something going on. Don Winner can't stand it because he's not the owner and luckily most of his friends stay away as well.

Every now and then some weird character shows up there. We had a right-wingish rabbi who in reality turned out to be a "chubby gay" looking for company. We had a wacky copywriter, Ernest Neira Deconti, who couldn't stop talking about the hair that was growing on his wife's back. We had a Soviet masquerading as an American who declared himself an expert on everything Panama even before he had ever visited the country. We had a pompous third world prick who called himself "Socrates". Eventually, these characters don't survive the scorn of the regulars and fade away or leave for greener pastures in wankerland where nobody is allowed to contradict them.

So one day, Marvin P. Gabler enters through the door.

Mr. Gabler, while expressing a keen interest in retiring with his wife to Panama, quickly set himself apart as an intellectually lesser gifted member of the American right. He started by claiming that "our country" would not be ready to be "represented by a negroe". Everybody was shocked at first, but gradually Marv's diatribes became so over the top that it was quite clear to anyone with half a brain that we were dealing with wacky satire here, a condensed, caricatured version of your typical Sarah Palin supporter. A typical Gabler rant would go something like what he posted the day after Barack Obama accepted the Democratic nomination:

I saw that dirty communist black muslim talk on TV last night to and I will tell you that there was nobody cheering for him at the Gablers. Tom and Nancy were here and they are registered Democrats and they both of them said NO WAY HOSAY. He is a scary guy. He is a peacenik fairy who will let the arabs get nuke weapons and then what do we do about that when they start shooting missles every where? I get a head ache thinking about how to solve all these problems but at least I came up some answers that would work better than what lil black sambo says, which o by the way happens to be nothing hahahahahaha. Look friends where is the meat on the bones? What is the plans? He talks a good game to stupid heads but to people like me we just shake our head and say hey dummy where is the beef? Senator McCain will blow Iran off the face of the earth and we will get that oil for the USA and the jews will not have to worry. John McCain will bring the jobs back from Russia and China and build up a strong economy. He will round up all the Mexicans and Cubans and ship them out of this great country. I looked at that black muslim communist and his scary giant negra wife and said to my self how can they be in the white house? What will our race do to stop them from making the white house the black house? Some body needs to get rid of this guy. I hope that a real American hero steps up and takes care of this. I have not ever been so afraid for my country as now. Jesus, help us now. Sweep away this black muslim communist. Kill him sweet Jesus before he kills our American dreams Marvin GOD BLESS AMERICA LAND THAT I LOVE

Gabler's evident Palin-level brain functions would not stop him from giving his opinion on a variety of subjects in his trademark style, even quoting union songs:

You think my pension will get the big hit? Well hardy har har miss potty little trash mouth you whore sent from Satan. I will get my check on the first come hell where you are going or the high waters. GOTCHA didint I hahahahahahaha. Read these lirics little miss stupid

When the union's inspiration through the workers' blood shall run,
There can be no power greater anywhere beneath the sun;
Yet what force on earth is weaker than the feeble strength of one,
But the union makes us strong.

(...)

Oh by the ways I happen to have cut that from my Teamster web site email group and then did a pasted it here. I know a lot more than you think I know little miss communist. I hope the rest of your life on this earth is ok because I sure will not be seeing you in the afterworld. Here is why I will not be seeing you. Because I am going to sup with sweet Jesus up in Heaven with our Lord at mine side and feast on t bone steaks and mash potatos and and you are going down to eat the testicals of apes and goats in HELL with your master and sweety lover pie SATAN. hahahahahahaha can not take the truth CAN YOU little sinner. Hahahahahahaha
Marvin

Even yours truly could not escape Gabler's ire, yet to most people it was by now abundantly clear that this was indeed a parody on either Don Winner's rants or those many anti-Obama emails flying around at that time ("MUST READ!") or the comments typically found on websites like redstate.com or those ventilated on talkradio wombat shows of the Limbaugh & O'Reilly variety:

Okee or whatever your foriner name is YOU ARE WRONG you are just a dirty little pinko comunist and you will fail and go to hell with the lil black sambo and his kind. He is not sopprted by any body except the far out leftys like YOU hahahahahahha GOTCHA on that one hahahahahahaha. Sarah was sent to ALL OF US by our Lord Jesus Christ to end this discusion and I am NOT going to be seeing you in Heaven ether with Kim the cussing little potty mouth whore sent by Satan. Oke you are dead meat on this earth. Hahahahahahahaha DIE NOW you Christ hater DIE NOW hahahahahahaha. I caught you one more time again like I all ways do hahahahahahaha you can not beat me you little fool and you sertinately can not beat OUR LORD. So try try again and when you are in hell eating the testicals of monkeys and goats I will be feasting in Heaven with our Lord and Sarah Palin enjoying a nice sweet T bone steak and mash potatos with gravy and iced cream. Hahahahahahahaha ANSER THAT dummy butt Hahahahahhahaha, yummy yum yum my mash potatos taste so very nice. How is your pig balls? ha ha ha ha good night to YOU mister foeriner hahahahahaha
Marvin

But Gabler had more elaborate plans for his baffled audience. After first having introduced his friends the Meinekes (who share similar political views) to the community, he then proceeded to run an election campaign by himself in order to take control of what he called "this email letter group" in an attempt to dispose of resident innkeeper Jeem, shut down "potty mouthed language" and, more ambitious even, ban the porn ads Yahoo occasionally displays below the messages on the group's website. Oh, he would deal with lesbians too. With everything, really.

"Marvin Gabler NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN" was the slogan that haunted everybody for weeks as Gabler campaigned day and night. One of his more elaborate dispatches, headlined "vote for change", went like this:

I can offer to the CEW email letter group members a change and hope for a better days to come. A vote for Jeem is only just more on the same old ways of running things. Running things into pornagrahy and dirty slutty filth. If you want to see a nice change in to a more family type of setting in here then you only have one choice and that is ME, Marvin Gabler.

What does someone with name like "jeem" come from? Did any body ever ask them self that? Is a name like "jeem" even a American name? Hmmmmm, well I do not think it is for one. We are a American email letter group and we need leader ship that is like us not leader ship that is strange and kooky. I will promise that when ever right thinking people come to join the CEW email letter group they will get a welcome on board letter from Marvin Gabler not some one named "Jeem". This way we will attract a higher class of members instead of mexicans and illegal aliens.

What do we know about the back ground of "Jeem"? He is not a religious man we know that. He uses cuss words we know that. He tried to make me banned from this email letter group because he saw I was making to many friends and finally my friends had to use force on him to let me be a member. He behaved like a communist dictator. Is that what we want to run us in here?

Well I do not think it is for one.

A vote for Marvin Gabler THE NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN will make sure this is a right to life email letter group forever. I swear to the Lord G-d himself on that. Does "Jeem" even check out that when members join up here they are not abortion doctors? NO HE DOES NOT and that makes every girl in our email letter group a possible victim of abortion. With Marvin Gabler running things around here I swear on my mothers sacred soul there will NEVER BE AN ABORTION IN THE CEW EMAIL LETTER GROUP. NEVER NEVER NEVER.

My friends a vote for Marvin Gabler is a vote for good over evil and what is right about America not what is wrong about America. A vote for "Jeem" is a vote to stay on the road to hell in a world full of porno kings and smut dealers.

Homo free abortion free and porno free. That is my new vision for the CEW email letter group. We can all be happy with MARVIN GABLER THE NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN.

Thank you very much my friends

Your trusted good friend

Marvin Gabler

Meanwhile, innkeeper Jeem promised to run on a platform of "poker, beer and babes", but Gabler's next move was to start what could be accurately described as the first digital minutemen operation, somehow standing guard against porn ads so that ordinary members could safely sleep at night. Posting at almost 2 AM, Marvin Gabler was clearly putting country first:

Do not worry I am still up and on the look out. No new porno to report but I do not know how much longer I can stay awake. We usually are in bed by 9 but this is really wearing us out. Sorry buddy do not mean to complain but fighting these pornos off is a fuill time job and its making me tired. Do not know how muich longer I can do this with out Peter and Mike to help. I am about close to fainting now. Big responsibilty but I will put it on my shoulder. Do not worry as long as I can draw one more breath I will keep you and yours safe
Marvin

Even after thus having survived five and a half years hours of torture through sleep deprivation, things didn't really work out as Gabler had envisioned them. Already disappointed by having lost the "elections" himself, poor Marvin was simply devastated by Obama's victory of November 4th. His firm belief that it was God's plan to hand McCain victory and then take him to heaven so that Sarah Palin could take over was now shattered and, frustrated, Marvin chastised those who had supported Obama:

Well I supose you are all very happy about this. You got that filthy dirty coon ass to get the election. It is the people like you in this email letter group that will be the down fall of a great nation that won the wars and sent my kids to colleges. Well you went to dam far yesterday and you will pay a big cost for this horribel mistake you just made. My America the beautiful will be a communist country soon because that filthy dirty lying coon socilist will get his ways. Get ready for abortions like you never saw before and my taxs will be paying for the niggers babys because this guy is going to raise your taxs and there wont be any one who can defend us against his communist socilist arab friends who will now come here to kill all of us. Our only hope now is that some one kills this guy and Sarah gets elected in his place. I prodict that is what will happen soon. I think every one in this email letter group is Gdam nut case for what you did. You all will pay your price when you meet your make.
Marv

Despite such obvious clues as 'Get ready for abortions like you never saw before' - an absurd line even for a Republican - and the general tone of it (something like Ann Coulter AND Michelle Malkin authoring Republican robocalls together), some people still thought this was all serious business and screamed for the secret service.

And that's when Hunter Schultz entered the scene.

Now who is he? Well, you might remember his name when it popped up in the LifeFlight helicopter ambulance debacle as he was the VP Business Development at that company - which famously never developed any business and couldn't get a license. (As Eric Jackson put it, he's one of this "Republican clique that's oh so big in the American Society, the Navy League and so on, that has for years been selling itself to the "expat community" as the indispensable intermediaries who have sucked up to Panama's business and political elites. Now all their connections are shown to be worth very little when it comes to getting this business licensed").

Other than that, Humpty Schultz is an air charter ten percenter. Quite a busy man, he's also the president of something called the The Panama Council of the Navy League of the United States, where well known radio terrorist and Margaret Thatcher look-alike Sandra Snyder serves as "Judge Advocate" - whatever that is. And then then he is also the vice-chairman of the prestigious Repubtards Abroad, where the same well known radio terrorist and Margaret Thatcher look-alike Sandra Snyder serves as "Past Chairman" - even though we're told she is a woman.

So what does this Republican VP Business Development failure do, wandering into such a hip environment as the Panama CEW email letter group? Ah, well, Chairman Schultz stately entered the establishment, looked at poor Mr. Gabler's email letter and pronounced in pompous baritone voice:

"If anyone has his IP Address handy, I will be glad to pass it on to the right people in Washington."

This business failure, who can't even get his business licensed through all these "right people" he knows in Panama, now knows "right people in Washington"? That probably won't last much longer, then. We somehow don't believe the already stretched Secret Service will be amused if he arrives there to waste their time with an obvious prank. We just hope that Humpty Schultz doesn't forget to include Gabler's election campaign in the sensitive and probably highly classified documentation. It will be an impressive sight for these "right people in Washington", when this important know-it-all arrives there in his LifeFlight helicopter with these explosive materials.

And so, dear readers, the Marvin Gabler satire comes full circle. The fictional hero stood guard all night to protect the nation against porn ads. And Humpty Schultz, leaving one wonder which is the bigger parody, suspends everything he does and goes straight to Washington on a mission to save the president-elect from satire. Life is beautiful, and reality is better than fiction, as the old Panamanian saying goes. Or, as Marv would say: "GOTCHA! hahahahaha!"

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