Waiting for the Tsunanama

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On high alert because of the Tsunami warning, your Bananama Republic set out to watch and report on this event live. Of course nobody wants victims, but we were looking forward to see at least some of the unfinished erections of capitalism in Punta Pacifica and Paitilla washed away by a selective monster wave, courtesy of the Chileans (who probably still harbor feelings of vengeance against Panama for the death of their policemen when a Bananama-maintained helicopter crashed). Or maybe just the Club Union, where the oligarchs plot and scheme, would be taken by the sea. And a bit of water rinsing the fish market on Avenida Balboa wouldn't hurt either, or so we read. The poverty stricken area of El Chorillo, on the other hand, would be safe - nothing ever trickles down there anyway - thanks to visionary businessman Jean Figali who constructed an artificial tsunami barrier in front of it - and never received as much as a "thank you" from the government.

So, taking position on the Cinta Coimera for the best view on events as they'd unfold, we noticed our colleague and indefatigable fan Don Winner. He carried a camera and a stun gun; the first to look professional and the latter to defend himself against the sharks he knew would come hidden inside the now imminent freak wave. He stood there, alone, watching the ocean. Winner is a beacon in more than one sense of the word; one of those senses being that you can always count on the fact that whatever he spends more than 200 words on for one of his articles is not true. Golden rule, always works, no exceptions. Similarly, the best way to stay out of business trouble in Panama is to avoid each and every one of his advertisers or the schemes he promotes. So we see the Panama Guide as a valuable thing, providing guidance for the educated as well as the gullible, although not in the way it was probably intended. But we digress.

Quickly scanning the news, we noted that Winner had already put up two warnings on his site. Would there be two tsunamis? Don, when asked, refused to comment, eager to show he was, after so many years of writing bare nonsense, finally right on something, we suppose. He looked determined. Here stood a former United States Air Force man, tall against the elements, even though these elements were well-hidden. But it was still early. There was still time.

As if to pull the tsunanama towards Panama, Winner now started to frantically publish more warnings, one after the other, eventually adding up to seven in total. How could this tsunami ignore us with such a wave of publicity preceding it already? This first looked to us like clever thinking - to be expected from someone who singlehandedly solves murder cases by just accusing whomever he doesn't like or passing on a tip (he calls a tip "time sensitive intelligence information highly relevant and critically important to the investigation" so that there's no mistake about how incredibly important he is, although he forgot to use the buzzword "actionable" in that phrase) from somebody else. But then we noticed that Winner was giving his own interpretations to the various waves of information that were now coming in faster than the tsunami itself, which was still hidden but surely lurking out there, somewhere, in the deep or even beyond.

"Don't confuse yourselves. The reporting out of New York is incorrect", Winner stated. And when he said that "the Director of SINAPROC is wrong" when the latter reduced the tsunami warning, we just knew we were wasting our time.

Meanwhile, strange phenomenons were seen in Hawaii, where our own correspondent reported: "Weird sucking current, waves moving backward out, very strange, and now it's filling back in. Doesn't look too bad, just very very weird. They said all the whales left Kaua'i...they're usually swarming there right now and they're all gone."

Here in Panama, Winner was nervously looking at his watch and the calm sea. Not even the sardines were moving away. "It should be any minute now", he could be heard murmuring. To be sure, he posted another warning, saying "There's basically nothing new in this bulletin".

Now totally sure that nothing at all was going to happen (see the golden rule above), we retired from the scene. And behold! While we were having our first mojito, Don Winner posted another update, forced to admit that "the sea is as flat as glass, it's low tide, and there's nothing to report". But this was still typical for a tsunami and exactly what he had expected all along, he added.

Poor Don. The only tsunami we had today in Panama was that of him cumming in his pants at the idea of mass destruction.

2 thoughts on “Waiting for the Tsunanama

  1. The article was amusing, but that was the worst and lamest final ending ever.
    “Him cumming in his pants at the idea of mass destruction.” That makes no fucking sense…in any language.

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