University Rector Cautions Drunk Tourists

By Cojito on Mar 5, 2008 | In Important Global Newsbreak | 2 feedbacks »

dangerous hooker

This week tourism minister Ruben Blades proudly announced that area prostitutes had beaten out the Panama Canal, Casco Viejo, Bocas del Toro, and cheap cocaine as the nation’s top tourist attractions. But Gustavo Garcia Paredes, Rector of the University of Panama, had a word of warning for vacationing gringos.

Citing a surprising University study, Paredes claimed that drinking large amounts of Abuelo, Seco, or any of Panama's tasty lagers, will not stop a Colombian hooker from stabbing you to death in a pushbutton.

The study, examined 100 Colombian sex workers registered at, but not actually attending, the university of Panama.

"The results are clear," said Paredes. "Getting liquored up and naked will not make our students prostitutes any more docile, or fat gringos any more attractive."

Carry cash and Viagra, pay extra for anal.

Other surprising data to emerge: Claiming an encounter with a whore should be free because you're too drunk to get it up, saying you forgot the Viagra, paying with travelers checks or a debit card, refusing to help her sick mother back in Barranquilla, and assuming anal is free, all could get a trashed tourist beaten, robbed or killed.

In double blind testing researchers also found that prostitutes outperformed drunken gringos in: stealing, lying, bitch slapping, shooting, calling their pimps, and repeated stabbing.

drunk gringo

The lone exception: Drunks had an advantage throwing sex workers off Paitilla balconies.

Other results that seems to refute generations of understanding in Panama's scientific community: Neither Abuelo, Seco, nor any of Panama's popular drinks will protect drunken men from an STD.

"Apparently, it's not enough just to bathe your genitals in rum afterward," said Paredes, scratching his groin. "Not even Guaro works."

"Don't get taken in by the whore's smile, and seductive ways," said a rueful Paredes. "She may be wearing a thong, stiletto heels and have a valid student ID, but that doesn't mean she won't cut off your nuts, or put a bullet in the back of your head."

Paredes advises that if you're a drunk white male in Panama stick to the typical things gringos do, like vomiting into area gutters, drowning off area beaches, getting lost in area jungles, or taking off their shirts, putting an empty beer carton on their heads, and screaming, "Yo! Shakira! Show us your tits!


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
Tags: colombia, dangerous, garcia paredes, hookers, rector, tourists, university, whores
Comment from: John Migra [Visitor]
*****
A buddy of mine told me that he was assaulted by colombian hookers at Albrook Mall parking lot. The hookers ask for "bien cuidao" money and then for a lift to via España. Inside the car they started a hot lesbianism act, and one of the hookers jumped to the front seat and started giving the guy some head, and at the same time the hooker very carefully stole my friend's wallet, since then the fucker has being going back everyday to Albrook Mall with a new wallet..
03/16/08 @ 13:38
Comment from: Cojito [Member] Email · http://thepanamapages.com
he picked up hookers there? i must be doing something wrong. the only thing i've managed to pick up in Albrook is a blizzard from the Dairy Queen.
03/16/08 @ 14:33

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