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Bananama Republic 2008 Outlook
By The Editor on Jan 1, 2008 | In Media | Send feedback »
Everybody does it, so why not us? Here are the predictions for what will be the headlines this year:
TORRIJOS BAFFLES AUDIENCE
Speaks coherently for longer than 4 minutes
UNHCR BUYS TRUMP OCEAN CLUB
More empty condo projects expected to house Colombian refugees, UN asks flippers and money launderers for compassion
BLADES TAKES FIRST DIVE
Festive opening of now supposedly clean bay of Panama. Is not seen or heard of again
GUANTANAMO DETAINEES TURNED LOOSE IN PANAMA
Desperate US attempts to give new anti-terrorism center in former CZ real meaning
CHANGE OF COURSE
Don Winner, tired of promoting them, decides becoming a con man himself
NORIEGA GOES REGGAETON
"Hugo, yo no fui" and "Bala-bina" instant hits on YouTube
BLADES FOUND
Former salsa minister turns up in UK, lives under assumed name, says he can't remember anything. DIJ drops investigation after two days
PUNTA PACIFICA RESIDENTS CLASH WITH COLOMBIAN REFUGEES
Refugees claim: "They're taking over our neighborhood!"
BOQUETE SEALED OFF
Chavez asked to negotiate with residential tourist rebel leader Taliaferro as Army Chief Delgado Diamante threatens to "smoke them out" in Chiriqui stand-off
LIFEFLIGHT TURNS DEATH FLIGHT
Failed heli ambulance service now offers hunting trips to reduce number of out-of-control Guantanamo detainees turned loose in Panama
BLACKWATER OPENS BOCAS OFFICE
Spike in demand for goon squads to protect land from being stolen
PEDRO MIGUEL GONZALEZ CONFESSES
Assembly president admits taking a $20 million bribe for brokering Dick Cheney's political asylum
OAS ASKS PANAMA TO STOP MASS DEPORTATIONS
Large-scale exiling of critical foreigners at Paso Canoa may turn into humanitarian disaster
May we live in interesting times!
Christmas canceled
By The Editor on Dec 19, 2007 | In Important Global Newsbreak | Send feedback »
Christmas has been canceled in Panama as a result of the tourist visa reduction.
"At my age, I can't be expected to buy, gift wrap AND deliver presents in under thirty days," Santa told Bananama Republic on the phone. He further alleged that he had contacted Mr. Ruben Blades, for a visa extension, but that the request was denied by the Minister of Salsa who explained that "coming to Panama to bring gifts is not tourism."
Santa, in his turn, refused to book his stay in one of the tourist resorts being developed by Blades' and President Torrijos' friends - a condition set by Blades for obtaining any visa at all.
"The ice cap on the North pole is melting, probably as a result of Santa Klaus' ever expanding activities there. This is a direct threat to our Canal as it opens the competitive Arctic Route, and we should just let him stay in Panama?" Blades asked rhetorically.
He further called Santa "unscrupulous" and "out to hurt our country."
