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Torrijos desperate to endorse someone. Anyone.
By The Boss on Feb 23, 2008 | In Important Global Newsbreak | Send feedback »
Affected by the endorsement fever that sweeps through America, Panama's president Martin Torrijos is ready to endorse a candidate to be the next president of the United States.
"I have my speech ready, all I need to do is fill in the name," the president told Bananama Republic in an exclusive interview. "I'm looking forward to stand next to the chosen candidate and deliver my endorsement. It'll be such an experience, the crowds, the applause, live on CNN...."
Panama Canal Zonians Start pro-McCain 527
By The Boss on Feb 21, 2008 | In McCain Panama | 1 feedback »
A group of former military, Canal Zonians and fugitives from justice has started a so-called "527" in support of presidential hopeful John McCain, called "Wankers for the Truth."
"It's all just people like me," explained Don Wanker, a retired toilet cleaner with the US Air Force and chairman of the new group. "You know, we all lived in this great piece of occupied territory that Carter just gave away to these banana benders. And you know that John McCain, our hero, was born here. So that's why."
Chavez complains about Panama donations
By The Boss on Feb 21, 2008 | In Important Global Newsbreak | Send feedback »
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez complained yesterday that he is not getting value for money with his pay-offs to Panamanian politicians and labor union leaders.
The flamboyant leader made his comments during an 9.5 hour broadcast of his weekly talkshow "Alo Presidente!". "I keep pouring money into the bottomless pockets of these Panamanians, but they don't deliver", Chavez lamented. "For example, for a couple of million I would at least want to see three days of hardcore street battle bordering on revolution. But all I got was some road blocks and punks throwing stones. Oh, and Saul Mendez driving a new car."
Noriega Demands Saddam-style Execution
By The Boss on Feb 12, 2008 | In Noriega | 1 feedback »
Former military strongman Manuel Antonio Noriega is suing the United States government demanding that he be executed "just like Saddam."
With Panamanian officials currently discussing his future with the US government, the former dictator, America's only prisoner of war, is "sick and tired" of being ignored by the media and "rotting away" in a prison cell, he told Bananama Republic.
"I'm always mentioned together with Saddam when they write about rogue leaders and America's enemies. But Saddam got all the attention and a high-profile execution. It's just not fair," complained Noriega...
Bananama Republic 2008 Outlook
By The Boss on Jan 1, 2008 | In Media | Send feedback »
Everybody does it, so why not us? Here are the predictions for what will be the headlines this year:
TORRIJOS BAFFLES AUDIENCE
Speaks coherently for longer than 4 minutes
UNHCR BUYS TRUMP OCEAN CLUB
More empty condo projects expected to house Colombian refugees, UN asks flippers and money launderers for compassion
BLADES TAKES FIRST DIVE
Festive opening of now supposedly clean bay of Panama. Is not seen or heard of again
GUANTANAMO DETAINEES TURNED LOOSE IN PANAMA
Desperate US attempts to give new anti-terrorism center in former CZ real meaning
CHANGE OF COURSE
Don Winner, tired of promoting them, decides becoming a con man himself
NORIEGA GOES REGGAETON
"Hugo, yo no fui" and "Bala-bina" instant hits on YouTube
BLADES FOUND
Former salsa minister turns up in UK, lives under assumed name, says he can't remember anything. DIJ drops investigation after two days
PUNTA PACIFICA RESIDENTS CLASH WITH COLOMBIAN REFUGEES
Refugees claim: "They're taking over our neighborhood!"
BOQUETE SEALED OFF
Chavez asked to negotiate with residential tourist rebel leader Taliaferro as Army Chief Delgado Diamante threatens to "smoke them out" in Chiriqui stand-off
LIFEFLIGHT TURNS DEATH FLIGHT
Failed heli ambulance service now offers hunting trips to reduce number of out-of-control Guantanamo detainees turned loose in Panama
BLACKWATER OPENS BOCAS OFFICE
Spike in demand for goon squads to protect land from being stolen
PEDRO MIGUEL GONZALEZ CONFESSES
Assembly president admits taking a $20 million bribe for brokering Dick Cheney's political asylum
OAS ASKS PANAMA TO STOP MASS DEPORTATIONS
Large-scale exiling of critical foreigners at Paso Canoa may turn into humanitarian disaster
May we live in interesting times!
