"We paid for it, and now we want it back," said Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Lewis Navarro yesterday. Panama is suing France because it wants the Eiffel Tower moved from Paris to Panama City.

The Eiffel Tower was built with funds for the construction of the Panama Canal by the French. To get the famous designer Gustave Eiffel on board to design the giant locks, the latter demanded financing for the tower that still determines the Paris skyline and draws millions of tourists each year.

"We could finance the Canal expansion with what was stolen from us," alleged Minister of Public Works Comandante Colamarco.

"We're not lazy", added Tourism Minister Ruben Blades, playing with his guitar. "We will use the tower to attract real tourists and make enough money to propel our country into the first world".

Government sources say that President Torrijos might be willing to negotiate an exchange in which the French would get Noriega and Panama gets its Eiffel Tower.

The French embassy could not immediately be reached for comment.

This week tourism minister Ruben Blades proudly announced that area prostitutes had beaten out the Panama Canal, Casco Viejo, Bocas del Toro, and cheap cocaine as the nation’s top tourist attractions. But Gustavo Garcia Paredes, Rector of the University of Panama, had a word of warning for vacationing gringos.

Citing a surprising University study, Paredes claimed that drinking large amounts of Abuelo, Seco, or any of Panama's tasty lagers, will not stop a Colombian hooker from stabbing you to death in a pushbutton.

The study, examined 100 Colombian sex workers registered at, but not actually attending, the university of Panama.

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Winston Spadafora

After digital drivers licenses and social security records, the Panamanian government has set the next step in bringing itself in tune with the 21st century by launching the new innovative eCorruption service.

"In short, the new system enables registered users to pay and accept bribes online", said Supreme Court magistrate Winston Spadafora who headed the implementation task force.

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Affected by the endorsement fever that sweeps through America, Panama's president Martin Torrijos is ready to endorse a candidate to be the next president of the United States.

"I have my speech ready, all I need to do is fill in the name," the president told Bananama Republic in an exclusive interview. "I'm looking forward to stand next to the chosen candidate and deliver my endorsement. It'll be such an experience, the crowds, the applause, live on CNN...."

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A group of former military, Canal Zonians and fugitives from justice has started a so-called "527" in support of presidential hopeful John McCain, called "Wankers for the Truth."

"It's all just people like me," explained Don Wanker, a retired toilet cleaner with the US Air Force and chairman of the new group. "You know, we all lived in this great piece of occupied territory that Carter just gave away to these banana benders. And you know that John McCain, our hero, was born here. So that's why."

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