A clear female case of mental problems walks half naked down the street in El Cangrejo. What do you do if you're Panama's sleaziest wannabe reporter with an IQ of two digits and moral standards somewhere way below the levels of La Critica? No, you don't offer to help, or try to do something; you take out your video camera and shoot some softcore fetisj porn featuring the mentally ill!

Then, you judge this shaky footage - tip: wanking and filming doesn't go very well together - newsworthy and post it on your website to generate traffic from other perverts getting off on naked mental patients shitting in front of a hotel.

All that just goes to prove of course that, where it comes to suffering from mental disorders, the drooling Don Winner is fierce competition for the poor derailed woman he abused.

No, we're not going to post the video here. We're not into that sort of thing. If you really want to see it you figure it out yourself.

Cable & Wireless a/k/a Cable & Useless a/k/a Cable & Shameless, you know, that rogue bunch of shady telecom pirates who stole INTEL from the Panamanian people to screw everybody with higher prices and lousy service and inventing the 40 second minute - these people are now snooping on your email and even censoring it!

Where's the proof, you ask. Here's the proof. Eric Jackson of The Panama News has maintained for ages a newslist, people who like to receive updates by email whenever a new issue of the online paper sees the light. Has never been a problem, always worked fine, until today. When Jackson sent out an update this morning, the subscribers who use Cable & Brainless as their provider never received it because, says Cable & Gutless, the "message content is not acceptable here". Of course they hide behind some sort of anti-spam firewall bullshit filter, which is just another tool for internet censorship, because the message obviously wasn't spam but a mailing to subscribers. Here's what came back from Cable & Clueless:

This is the Spam Firewall at antispam.cwpanama.net.

I'm sorry to inform you that the message below could not be delivered.
When delivery was attempted, the following error was returned.

: host 201.225.225.165[201.225.225.165] said: 579 message content is not acceptable here (in reply to end of DATA command) Final-Recipient: rfc822; xx@cwpanama.net Action: failed Status: 5.0.0 Diagnostic-Code: X-Spam-Firewall; host 201.225.225.165 [201.225.225.165] said: 579 message content is not acceptable here (in reply to end of DATA command) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: "Eric Jackson" To: "The Panama News email list" Date: Tue, 6 May 2008 11:51:30 -0500 Subject: most of the culture section and all of the Spanish opinions are up See http://www.thepanamanews.com/pn/v_14/issue_09/culture_01.html et seq and http://www.thepanamanews.com/pn/v_14/issue_09/opiniones_01.html et seq (Still have the gallery guide to do in the culture section)

Spam? A newspaper update? Are you serious? Does this happen to the mass mailings to subscribers of La Prensa as well? We bet you it doesn't. The robber barons of Cable & Shameless are just blatantly snooping on email content and censoring delivery of those messages they deem "unacceptable". Will they start doing the same with your cellphone and drop calls or text messages with content they declare "not acceptable"? We wouldn't be surprised. After all, it wouldn be the first time they get caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

You can say about Panama's education authorities what you want, but not that they're not fair in distributing the general misery equally among students. Every effort is being made to ensure that the few schools in the interior of our country that are actually open will be closed too, if only temporarily.

Take for example the José María Roy school in David, Chiriqui. Students were enjoying uninterrupted classes for months now - a situation that, given the fact that other schools in the province are still closed because of contamination or decay, could in all fairness not last. So our ever-vigilant police force just teargassed the fuckers! That resulted in lots of sick and vomiting pupils, and the school had to be closed as the poisonous gasses wafted through the hallways. Justice has been done. Equality for all!

For those tourists and business travelers lucky enough to arrive after 6 PM at our well-organized international airport where everybody is friendly and speaks English, our innovative authorities have a special attraction to further enhance the Bananama experience.

Say, you get here and rent a car. After having gone through endless security checks, passport control, X-ray machines and what not at the various airports, you get to be received by a welcome committee of our National Police! Between the airport and the highway to town this institution, headed by a wannabe Kojak whose only experience vaguely related to police work is that he knows everything about drawing a line of coke, sets up a checkpoint every single night to check your drivers license. Or maybe that other genius in our government, tourism minister Ruben Blades whose only experience in tourism is having been a tourist, thought this one up? Whichever it is, with some luck, you get to wait about 20 minutes before being greeted by one of those fearless police officers or - with even more luck - shaken down for a bribe. Isn't this just awesome? You were already tired of traveling, now you can get even more tired because of Bananama's proverbial hospitality. Panama, it will never leave you!

Bobo Bosco, here with a couple of
show dancers

Don Bosco Vallarino, who doesn't know him. The Panamanian low-end version of Saturday night horror Don "un aplauso por favor" Francisco. When he isn't dabbling in Telemetro entertainment he's selling real estate and perfumes on some Panamanian TelSell channel. And, he thinks, that is exactly the type of qualifications needed for a mayor of Panama City. He signed up for the Pizzafista party, and now he's about to launch his campaign.

But!

He has sold himself out already BEFORE being elected! Only in Panama will you find one candidate campaigning for the other. Listen to the radio spot above; a promo for Miguel Antonio Bernal, who is currently the front runner in the race for city hall. That is the voice of same Bosco Vallarino!

It gets even better when you listen to the text:

Whom will you trust? Someone who launches himself into a political campaign just months before the elections with promises, or someone who has all his life been an example, always on the right side of the issues, on the side of liberty, who has had the courage to defend your rights, without you having to ask and without asking for anything in return?

Seems like a clear case to us. Unless you think that selling jewelry on TelSell is "defending your rights" of course.

Scam O'Rama Muppets:
Don Winner a/k/a Donnie Wanker (left)
and Marc Boswell a/k/a Rex Freeman (right)
Oh, and in the background: All Clinton's
work, according to Freeman/Boswell

Time for some good old fashioned wild west fun. Remember Ian Calvert Bleasdale? No? Child sex rapist on the run. Turned up as sales director of mega noni swindle in Panama which Don Winner of course defended. Story here. Also wanted for fraud in Costa Rica and that's what did him in. A couple of his victims just a sort of nabbed him in Panama and handed him over to the police and he was swiftly thrown over the border into the Costa Rican slammer, where he belonged. The end? No. Well, for him, yes, but now we have a similar case. Scam artist on the lam. Buys residency despite criminal convictions. Trouble in Costa Rica where he continued to scam before moving to a welcoming Panama. Becomes Don Winner's drinking buddy and financial columnist. Well, not for long, sucker! Because there is an Arrest Warrant! Panama doesn't want to enforce its laws? No problemo! It's only a matter of time before his victims hunt him down and throw him in a van headed for Costa Rica. Yes we can! Bye, Rex! We would appreciate a tip though when it goes down, for the pics. Oh, and Don Winner? We think that one more case like this and he's toast too. You can't just run a full-fledged pimp-a-scam and expect there won't be repercussions. Bye, Don!

Torrijos postponed a decision about what to do about public transport. Torrijos says his government stole all the money doesn't have any money to improve the bus system. Torrijos shits his pants for the group of road terrorists who own the buses and will kill for money. The united passengers are angry about it. La Prensa basically calls him a moron.

They're right, of course, but what did they expect from a man who is too much of a coward to investigate the death of his own father?

Is Hugo Chavez a Saint? Certainly not. Does he make mistakes? We guess so. Is he subject of smear by right wing zealots who applauded the coup against him? You bet. Are these the same zealots who say they support "democracy" and "press freedom"? Yep, IAPA for example. Aren't they having their annual meeting in Caracas? Yep. Doesn't that a sort of prove that there is, errrr, freedom in Venezuela? Yes, but try to explain that to these idiots.

Back to Chavez. Is he a loudmouthed opponent of US and Colombian policies? Gosh, you noticed! Did he lose a referendum after a string of election victories? Indeed. Is there anything worse than Chavez? Yes: Whining money laundering oligarchs like Eisenmann who attack him with fake facts because they see their sleazy business interests threatened by someone who actually does know how to exploit the natural resources of his country for the benefit of all.

Torrijos' good friend Mireya Moscoso seems to be in a bit of trouble these days.

Wow! For the first time in years, La Prensa publishes a story about corruption at presidential levels. Okay, it's the former president, corruption queen Mireya Moscoso, but it's a start after almost half a decade of deafening silence from the 12 de Octubre.

What has she done this time? Remember that house she stole, in Punta Mala, to have orgies with other Pizzafistas? She's secretly and of course illegally building stuff, the latest being a breakwater to protect that yacht she bought. All with stolen money and durodolares. And now La Prensa found out about the breakwater and the Maritime Authority is investigating. Of course nothing will be done. Moscoso should have been thrown in jail immediately after leaving office, but since we now have a government that is even more corrupt than hers that of course never happened.

Will La Prensa become a serious newspaper again? Don't hold your breath. Their agenda these days is to have Balbina elected because that's what Eisenmann and the advertisers and the Mottas want, and this just serves as a reminder to the public what they'll get should they get it in their heads to vote for the opposition. That's all. Monica Palm has always been a whore anyway.

Are Brazilians smarter than Torrijos?

Ever been to Brazil? Economically, it's not that different from Panama. GNP per capita is in the same league. Income disparity is as bad there as it is here.

But why then, is it that we have buses that fall apart, buses that blow up in Via España or crash in demolition derbies on the Transistmica while in for example the Brazilian city of Curitiba - roughly the same size as Panama City - they have one of the most advanced public transport systems in the world? Can you explain that? In other words, who in your government - and the previous ones - of robber barons and Noriega drinking buddies isn't doing his job? And why is Bimbin only now talking about a metro after ignoring the problems for ten years?

Another question. Here's an interesting statistic for you. Panama has 500 policemen per 100,000 citizens. That is MORE THAN ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE AMERICAS. Costa Rica is a good second with 465 cops/100,000, and the US is fourth with 326. I found that in the 2007 UN report "Crime and Development in Central America". So here's the question: Why do we need more police? Aren't these figures a clear indication that if we have a crime and security problem in Panama, Mirones, Delgado Diamante and the other chieftains aren't doing their jobs? It can't be that they're short on manpower.

We have done what we could here at Bananama Republic, but our efforts to improve the "Weekly News with Sandra Snyder" radio broad- and podcast through constructive criticism have been in vain. We tried but failed miserably. So, today there's no other way left open to us than to declare full war against this evil radio terrorism. Nothing but an unconditional surrender will do.

Why, you ask? Let us explain you why:

First of all, because she looks like a China-made pirated copy of Maggie Thatcher. Just look at the picture; that weaselly smile, these liver spotted arms, that superior conservative expression on her otherwise clean-shaven face. Her handbag can't have been far away when this pic was taken. The only difference is the voice; Thatcher had this deep roaring sound that scared away any opposition she'd encounter while Sandra Snyder - let's just say that if you could turn crackled paint into audio the result would be what Snyder reads on the air every Sunday night.

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In just the last year, we've seen more violence and death related to protest and discontent than in the last decade. Workers shot and killed. Battles in the streets. Remember the social security protests? We vividly remember how Telemetro quickly switched away from a shot showing a policeman pointing his gun at the crowd and firing.

In Panama, contrary to many other Latin American countries, there is no organized left, as it has been hijacked by either the PRD or fragmented sectarian groups. Together with the second-highest difference between rich and poor of the continent, high poverty rates and increasing prices, this makes for an explosive combination. What we've witnessed so far is just the beginning.

This author has long predicted that political and social protest will merge with violent crime in Panama. Last Friday, a police station in Rio Abajo was attacked with stones, sticks and guns by a group of youngsters who took revenge for the arrest of their comrades for drinking alcohol on Good Friday. Case in point.