There's a lot of news these days about Scientology, the wicked reli-scam founded by flimflam man Ron L. Hubbard. A group calling itself "Anonymous" has declared war on the brainwashers and taken down websites. Of course Scientology, true to form, fought back with its own videos and cyber attacks. How crazy do people get who end up in the cult? Watch a leaked video of actor Tom Cruise, second man of the group, who - well, let's just say it's scary. After the jump.

But! What does this have to do with Panama?

That's where you come in, dear reader. Here's two bits of information:

One: In November 2005, First Lady Vivian de Torrijos traveled to Los Angeles and met there with a number of groups that are ALL Scientology front organizations, such as ABLE and NARCONON. Why? We don't know. Is she a member? We don't know for sure. But she is obviously not troubled by Scientology's weirdness and human rights abuses. Should the state be paying for Vivian's meetings with wacko reli groups? We don't think so.

Two: There is this web site, The Freezone Scientologist, and on its terms and conditions page it says:

This Site is controlled, operated and administered by the Freezonescientologist from its offices within Panama. The Freezonescientologist makes no representation that materials at this site are appropriate or available for use at other locations outside of Panama and access to them from territories where their contents are illegal is prohibited. You may not use the Site or export the materials in violation of Panamanian export laws and regulations. If you access this Site from a location outside of Panama, you are responsible for compliance with all local laws. These Terms and Conditions of use shall be governed by the laws of Panama without giving effect to its conflict of law provisions.

What we would like from you is tips and information. Who are these people? Who are the members? What are their activities? Is it true they have regular meetings at the Paitilla Inn? Where are these offices? Are there any victims? Contact us here and we'll treat everything confidentially.

And now: Tom Cruise!

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We knew it. Ruben Blades is a human rights violator and so are these tourists in their Hawaii shirts and baseball caps. Tourism projects (and other projects by friends of Torrijos et al such as mines and hydroelectric dams) mushrooming all over the country cause displacement of citizens and violate their right to a place to live. It also damages the environment, as we're seeing in Tonosi today. We don't make that up, it's in a new report published by the Panamanian Human Rights Network which unites about 32 civil organizations and groups. They made the report because the government doesn't comply with its obligation to file annual reports with the UN about Human Rights. We the People!

The report spans the period from 1992 to 2008 and lists numerous other creative ways the Bananama officials have developed to trample our rights. They don't protect refugees. There is discrimination against the handicapped. Children rights are violated. And of course the famous prisons system. The human rights situation in Panama is, in short, a big fucking mess and they haven't even listed everything. Does anyone in the government care? Ruben Blades has a new album out, did you know that?

That's what the Costa Rican authorities want to know. They found a bundle of money there which they say belongs to the FARC. And now they want to know if between 2000 and 2003 any high-placed FARC hot shots were in Panama. Hello, Ticos! Yes, there were. We know that for a fact. What we do not believe is that they leave money lying around just like that. Maybe it was hidden inside a Magic Laptop?

It's not easy being a mouthpiece for foreign interests in Panama. One day you make a prediction for A, and then it turns out the boss wants prediction B to prevail. That makes for some interesting bending and twisting of course.

Sunday, Don Winner writes:

"My Early Prediction: Balbina Herrera will decide not to run (now) and will step aside to allow Juan Carlos Navarro to run basically without a significant challenger. Failing a major political disaster, he will probably go on to win the Presidency in 2009. I predicted this in (what?) January of 2006 I think it was...

But the foreign interests don't agree. Slap on the wrist. They want Balbina to run and to win. So today, we see the Winner ship starting to turn around:

Balbina Herrera doesn't know what to do. She can't decide if she should take a run for the Presidency or be happy with the Second Prize, the Mayorship of Panama City. I think she'll win in a close election if she goes after the Presidency, but Juan Carlos Navarro will give her a good run for it.

What happened to the "prediction" from 2006, then? Abandoned? How very un-Winner ! Ah! The wonders of Public Diplomacy!

FARC chicks are a lot cooler
than, say, Cindy McCain

Okay, so we all know this FARC miracle wonder laptop stuff is fake, propaganda from right-wing drug warriors. But in the wonderful world of spin and deceit, the right thing to do is release more from the same discredited source. Through Associated Press of course, the outlet of choice for this kind of "public diplomacy". Anyway, now they say Clinton was involved with Garcia Marquéz and the talks were to be held in PANAMA! This must have been such a lucrative time for the Colombian rebel group, with Chavez, Correa, Clinton and France all bidding on the prestigious release of hostages and of course trophy Ingrid Bethancourt. And imagine how Torrijos will pretend to have been at the center of it, just like he did with the Kumbaya meeting in Santo Domingo.

On the brighter side, it looks like we're getting the war after all, because the wingnuts won't be happy before they can nuke any peaceful solution to Colombia's conflict. The same shameless, unquestioning, jingoistic piece of crap who brought us the run up to the Iraq war is now spinning how Chavez is the FARC's Guardian Angel and Bush needs to "take him on". Next from the magic laptop: FARC wants to conquer the moon!

Borge, drug kingpin

Every once and a while Torrijos delivers a speech, usually not longer than about 4 minutes for obvious reasons. Yesterday at the PRD congress (chaos, garbage everywhere, no light, and out of that mess Balabina came victorious of course) it was one of those rare occasions. First, he said, the PRD has a new way to deal with opposition: Put them in a freezer! A sort of iceboarding. Then, he said that he was doing all these progressive things, like fighting poverty. Poverty levels remain unchanged during his term and spending power is down, but that's not the point. Being "progressive" and "left" is the hip thing in these Latin American times even if your policies are firmly right-wing or even fascist. Torrijos wants to keep the left inside the PRD, and those who don't obey he shoots. Exactly like his father, the celebrated drunken putschist Omar Torrijos, did.

And then there are the usual idiots who buy that crap. We know already that Chavez is gambling on the supposed "left-wing" of the PRD (and indeed the Torrijistas and Noriegistas won), but that's just the beginning. The Salvadoran FMLN was there, saying that yes, the PRD is left. And then there was this geriatric narco kingpin, Tomás Borge, from Nicarajo's Sandianistas, also endorsing the PRD as a progressive leftist party. The future once again looks bright in our little Canal nation.

We said it here before, Panama is at war. But we're not alone any more. Eisenmann says the same in Friday's la Prensa. After years of praise for the new democratic and civil values of the PRD, he is now slowly discovering that a gorilla stays a gorilla even if you dress him in suit and tie.

How did the war start? Easy. Anyone can do it. You go in a canoe to the Dariën, fire some shots, and the whole country will go berserk, or at least the gorillas. They send more gorillas to the border. They start buying more guns and bullets. And of course the gringos can't wait to send more war toys and experts. Eisenmann fears they want to create a new dictatorship. We think the US has its own plans for a new Gran Colombia.

How important is Juega Vivo in the sex life of Panamanians? We always wanted to know that. Is it all for real or are they just after your wallet? What are the chances you'll be left dead in a pushbutton? Are latinas really that hot? Did McCain learn about lobbyist whores in Panama? These are questions that IPAT doesn't answer.

Luckily we can go to the National Library on Saturday the 29th, at two in the afternoon, where they will have a forum discussion on this very subject. With experts! We are particularly intrigued by the participation of famous Panamanian homophobic sexologist Geraldine Emiliani who thinks lesbianism is a disease and says so publicly too! Sex and the mentally disturbed in Panama, we can't wait to go.

Everybody please go out and buy canned food and milk powder for at least two weeks. War is imminent, actually, it has already begun. No, we didn't know that either but luckily Daniel Delgado Diamante informs us today in La Prensa. Where would we be without him. At least SOMEBODY picks up the phone at Las Garzas at 3 AM.

How do we win this war? Simple. We merge the police and the PTJ. Then we merge the air force and the border force. Then we merge those with the police. And before you know it, we have an army again! That is modern strategic thinking, explains Delgado Diamante. A true visionary. What can we do with this army? All sorts of fun things, but preferably go to war with criminals. Use the tactics of warfare against drug trafficking. Last time he was involved in such an effort it was a big success, everybody got rich and the army heroically defended the country against foreign invaders. Let's do it again!

INSTANT UPDATE: Our fearless terrorist Assembly president is duly doing his part in the war effort and has ordered guns, bullet proof vests, boots and pepper spray to protect the country's biggest tax-free car dealership against, errr, terrorists?

Once upon a time, the good people of the far and cold Kingdom of the Netherlands were glued to their TV screens and ran for the morning papers to get the latest on the spectacular kidnapping of Freddie Heineken, the beer tycoon. The kidnappers were caught, some of the ransom money found, and Heineken and his driver unharmed.

Most of the kidnappers continued their criminal careers once released. Money was invested in the Amsterdam Red Light District, one kidnapper was shot and, it turns out, his half brother Martin Erkamps, also one of the kidnappers, lives and works in Panama! Writes La Prensa:

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Says Daniel Delgado Diamante, Comandante Minister of Government and Justice: The FARC statement threatening that the captured guerrillos should be released or else, is false. So he doesn't want to comment. And that they say there is an agreement to "live and let live" with the FARC in Panama is not true either.

Is he speaking the truth? After the Chavez/payments screw-up, who knows?

Let's put it this way: Why is the FARC in Panama - they have a camp near the border in the Dariën - basically left alone if there is no silent agreement? And if the FARC communique is false and not important, why was an internet café in La Chorrera raided the other day from where the statement was reportedly distributed?

- Chavez pays SUNTRACS says the government. Chavez doesn't pay SUNTRACS, says the government. Chavez pays perridistas, says El Siglo. Chavez doesn't pay perredistas, says the government;

- FARC attacks police. Police captures FARC. FARC threatens to kidnap politicians. Government stays mute;

- Panamanian government and representative in UN Security Council still trying to find out where this place "Kosovo" actually is;

- Perredistas rolling over each other fighting in internal elections. Screaming matches between Balabina and El Toro;

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