Panama is open for business (7): Vallarino steals a dildo

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London (left) and Panama (right).

We all know that the Trump Ocean Club is a cheap clone of the Burj al-Arab hotel in Dubai just like the Ocean Reef project is a sort of a pathetic bid to emulate the Palm Islands. But this is only the beginning of a new proud Panamanian tradition of constructing rip-offs. Our beloved minister of economy and finance, tax dodger Alberto Vallarino, is the driving force behind a plan to erect a giant glass dildo on Avenida Balboa in his own honor and so that we'll always remember him for what he was (a corrupt influence peddler). And the design? Another rip-off, this time of the Gherkin building that deocrates the London financial district.

They already gave the architectural work to Mallol & Mallol - should be a piece of cake. Just copy and paste.

Cheap perfume, anyone? Almost like the original!

This giant suppository is going to cost $250,000,000 which Vallarino says he will make back some day by selling office space to law firms and financial predators whom he thinks will stand in line to relocate to this phallic symbol of fuck-you capitalism.

Can't they think of anything original in Panama? Nope. In isthmian culture, void of creativity and innovation, the highest attainable is to be almost like the others, to copy as best as they can, to be able to say, "Look! We too have a financial dildo! Will you take us seriously now? Please?"

The opening ceremony, sources insist, will feature Alberto Vallarino being lowered from a helicopter so that the tip of the building penetrates his ass. This day will then forever be a National Holiday in Panama, "Dia de la Estrella Marrón".

The design provokes several other questions too. Where do the batteries go, for example? Will it vibrate? Is it remote controlled?

4 thoughts on “Panama is open for business (7): Vallarino steals a dildo

  1. Pingback: Nun Tossing: new Panama outdoor sport | Bananama Republic

  2. So much for the glorious unfettered capitalism of these supposed Titans of business.

    Give them government money and they spend it like drunken sailors.

    Tax money for the government to build it´s own self aggrandizing monster tower; No Milton Friedman or Ayn Rand here.

    I have to admit a secret pleasure of finding out that Martinelli is a run of the mill launderer and Vallarino a ´super-size me´ tax fraud.

    These wannabe businessmen were giving real working capitalists a bad name.

    It also helps to explain the apparent contradiction between Martinelli´s stellar accomplishments in the private sector and his absolute circus act of a government, with it’s star act, Bosco the Clown(who gave this guy his most accurate moniker, was it Okie or Eric Jackson???)

    After doing business in Panama for 9 years I came to realize that in most sectors the real money here was in washing drug money.

    The requirements are a level of cynical amorality, friends in higher places, street smarts and a complete lack of concern for the safety of one´s family (it is easy to hide as an individual if the shit hits the fan, but it won´t be so easy to hide the kids or granny, and if you´re not going to pay the bill then they will) .

    With these job qualifications and a high volume business of any kind, anyone can get rich in Panama.

    If you don´t want to be part of this game, then business can be tough here.

    It isn´t easy making money running a clean shop if most of your competition don´t give a flying f*ck if they break even or lose. Not having to worry about cost, customers, prices sure make an enterprise run smoothly.

    Not all sectors of Panamanian business are completely infiltrated by the drug world, but a vast majority are.

    If you´re thinking of doing business in Panama it is good to have a complete understanding of what your up against.

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