Canadian fraud artist Monte Friesner filed the most bizarre criminal defamation complaint against your author in the history of Bananama Republic. It alleges a conspiracy between yours truly and other people we had never heard about, for money. As evidence the legal geniuses that assist this financial con man have filed - believe it or not - documents relating to earlier criminal libel cases that we won! One is the infamous San Cristobal noni and teak swindle (the complainant ended up in jail and the case was dismissed) and the other was filed by Don Winner because we called him a "scam pimp" (also dismissed). But in the mind of Friesner and his henchmen, winning such cases means you're really bad.
As if that isn't enough, Friesner and his helpers are now also doing the rounds distributing fairy tales. You may not now this, but your reporter is in Costa Rica, or no, he is being smuggled to Ecuador, or better still he is hiding in Panama, he is Dutch, he is not Dutch, he is a little bit Dutch, he has four fake passports, he gave "Wild Bill" a passport, he runs unregistered scams, he sells cocaine at the New York Bagel Café, he sends Philippine transvestites to harass Russian hookers - and all that at the same time!
Earlier we had of course Friesner's publicist Don Winner claiming that this website had been "shut down by the FCC". One small detail they overlooked was that, errrrr, we weren't shut down at all.
Our latest discovery however - when going through the case file at the prosecutor's office - is even better than all the above: The story of the tragic death of Monte Friesner's poodle.
You probably weren't aware of this, and neither were we, but our serial con man is an animal lover. No, not what you think - or maybe that too but we don't want to know - but a genuine lover of everything on four legs. Especially his poodle. We'll call it FrouFrou, which is not its real name, but even poodles have a right to privacy, under the circumstances.
So, one day, the lovely Mrs. Friesner is walking the poodle in the park she frequents as a stranger approaches. "What a nice poodle!" says the stranger. And they chat a bit while FrouFrou mulls around. Then, when Mrs. Friesner and the stranger have finished (talking), the stranger asks if FrouFrou would like a cookie? Of course FrouFrou would like a cookie. FrouFrou eats cookie, goes home, dies.
The Friesners were devastated. Who would do such a thing? And then they knew! It must have been their former web designer together with that guy from Bananama Republic!
The cremation of FrouFrou was a moving ceremony, as you can imagine, where many tears were shed. When Frank Sinatra had finished "My Way", a prayer was said for FrouFrou's safe arrival in the dog heaven.
Afterwards, the grieving couple hurried to the local corregidor. They told their story about how this must have been the work of the evil people from Bananama Republic and the ex-webmaster, who hired a hitman to off poor little FrouFrou. The session had to be interrupted several times by an understanding corregidor as Monte Friesner became overwhelmed with emotion and just couldn't go on. As "evidence" for their theory they had brought the invoice of FrouFrou's cremation with them.
Impressed by such splendid detective work, the corregidor resolutely issued two restraining orders. Yes, dear reader, we know, we complain a lot about Panama's legal system, but when push comes to shove they will just be there, standing tall for the protection of innocent poodles against evildoers, evidence or no evidence, con man or no con man.
This is positive news, ladies and gentlemen, right here on Bananama Republic, on how an underfunded and understaffed judicial system in a city plagued by skyrocketing crime rates still finds the time and budget to protect the safety of dead poodles and lying bastards in need. Humbled by so much professionalism, we don't just agree with, no, we applaud the fact that the prosecutor in the defamation circus has kept a straight face when he allowed the poodle story and the restraining orders to be added to the case file as evidence. Who said they are wasting their time and tax money on frivolities and styrofoam legalese in Panama's public ministry, on behalf of sleazy criminals? Certainly not us!
Oh well. Then we got a message from Friesner's son, telling us that the poodle in fact died from an overdose of anti-tick medicine. But we don't believe that either. It was "Wild Bill", and he ate FrouFrou for lunch!
UPDATE! The ghost of the poodle is apparently haunting the Bocas hostel of death, and now Neftali Jaen, the right-hand man of the Attorney General, is considering to contract a paranormal professional, a psychic, to help solve this mystery, reports Telemetro. Howling poodles are heard, strange movements are felt by agents searching the house. In Panama, reality is just sooooo much better than fiction. So who are they gonna hire, Walter Mercado or Don Winner?